Consoling an Infant at 2am
January 08, 2023
How to console a baby according to the internet:
- Grab a stop watch
- Let baby cry for exactly one minute
- Soothe baby for 34s
- Let baby cry for another 2mins and 22s
- Soothe baby for anywhere between 43s and 43.5s
- Let baby cry into your soul and catch their tears while not being in the room
- Soothe baby for 44s (notice how soothing is slight bit longer)
- NEVER PICK UP THE BABY
- Reflect on how you caused this fucking problem
- Reflect more on how it is is all your fucking fault because you are a terrible parent
- Don’t cry, baby is crying.
- Soothe baby for 34s again (notice it is shorter amount of time, this reflect the amount of patience you’ll have)
- Give up all hope